I wish I had the last ten years to do over. I'd want to do them completely differently, but I'd want them to turn out the same.

Silly, I know.



Actually, let me correct that.

I wish I had another ten years to do over...

You know what?

I wish I had the last ten years to do over in exactly the same way.

Alright, this is gonna sound flaky. There's simply no way around it. Here's the deal: I just don't know much. I really don't. I've had a handful of experiences, and I have a spoonful of knowledge. Vice versa, actually. Anyway, over the years I have begun to accept my corrupted naivete. I'm willing to be ignorant. I'm willing to sound like a dumbass, however many times it takes, however much it sucks every single time, to get closer to some kind of understanding. Thusly bearing my fallen nature in mind, here are some thoughts that were spurred on by tiamat_dragon:

There's enlightenment, and then there's enlightenment. Many traditions have goals of enlightenment in which the individual sees through the lies and trappings of society, sees through their own prejudices and conditioning, and becomes free to live as a fully realized being. There are different interpretations as to how one does this -- you have your taoist wu wei, your subgenius slack, your nonduality (basically the bare-bones realization that you're an extension of the world and it's an extension of you), etc. -- but they're basically coming from the same place. Accept the world for what it is, accept yourself for what you are, accept that you are absolutely a part of that world, see things for what they are, and just... be free.

The buddha, to my understanding, transcended all of that. The buddha saw that there was even more to be done and went entirely beyond that. This is how I understand it, I could be wrong. Whereas other philosophies seem to focus on accepting the world and one's relationship with it, the buddha -- I think -- focused on letting go of the whole thing altogether. But then I'll be honest and say that I just don't get buddhism. It seems to pride itself on somehow having transcended other philosophies, so I'll suspend my disbelief and accept that claim for now.

Anyway, I don't seek buddha-level enlightenment. If there are future lives, maybe I will, I don't know. But I have seen things that do not quite make sense in the current framework, and I know that there are smarter, deeper ways to be a human being. I want to attain that, and I believe that it is possible. I believe that possibility lives within all of us, that we can attain that state, if we are simply made sufficiently aware of all the layers of bullshit that have been built up in our minds. Stuff like taoism and whatnot is simply... deprogramming.

Now, computers and communication. See, that's strange territory. To my understanding, it is a cliche that one must retreat to some monastery or hermitage and live out one's life there in order to be enlightened. There may be times when that is valuable or even necessary, but for the whole of one's life? For example Hesychasts, Christian mystics, seem to fully accept that one can pursue transcendence yet remain, essentially, a family man. Seriously, how deep and robust can one's perspective be if it's entirely dependent on the avoidance of other people?

I do not see myself as being removed from other people. I do not see that as a desirable goal. I want to figure myself out, and I want to figure the world out. Again, perhaps that's arrogant, but I really don't feel that it is. I believe that's a perfectly reasonable possibility, and that if I am special in any way, it is only that I have been lucky enough to remember that. And I'll be honest: there are parts of me that don't feel that way. There are parts of me that are perfectly happy to jack off to second-rate internet porn and drink crappy whiskey and watch DVDs that I would not go to my grave regretting having missed. Those parts are there, but they're not the only parts, and I can't ignore the rest. I do not want to extricate myself from society; not permanently, anyway. I do not see humanity as evil or lost or hopeless, but god knows we've been pretty fucked up for a long, long time now, and I think we all know that we could do better than we have.

Computers are cool because they're tiny models of thought or reality. By playing with them, we have the opportunity to expand our ability to understand the world around us. Communication is cool because, well, because we're mirrors to each other. I never understand myself more than when I try to communicate what I am to you. I never understand myself more than when I listen to you talk about yourself. And communication is cool because I am infinitely, infinitely, infinitely thankful for everything you have taught me about myself, and I want to repay the favor in whatever laughable capacity that I am able to.

But it's more than that, and it's simpler than that. Computers and communication are fun. They're just fun. And if you want to cut the crap and learn to be more true to yourself, maybe it's smart to listen to fun. Maybe fun has some answers. Maybe fun is an answer. Maybe fun has something to say.

I don't know.

In the end, I just want to become more of myself.

That's it.

I just want to become more of myself.

Alright, I'm going to bed. If you have anything crucial to ask me tonight, you've got about one minute left to do it. In any case, here's a picture of me, naked and shaven and prosthetized:



Click for larger. No, you don't get to see my junk. You have to see me in person for that privilege. And no, I can't explain that weird face I'm making. Like the man says, good day to you, sir!

Man, Belgian waffles sound good right now. Authentic Belgian waffles. Mmmmm....

Okay, this is driving me nuts. Sure, the preview for Shining is hilarious. But jesus, I've got that fucking song stuck in my head now. Do you understand the magnitude of that? I've got Peter Gabriel stuck in my head. I've got Peter Gabriel stuck in my head.

You know what chaps my hide? When Bush says things like:

"The militants believe that controlling one country will rally the Muslim masses, enabling them to overthrow all moderate governments in the region and establish a radical Islamic empire that spans from Spain to Indonesia."

and

"Would the US be less or more safe with Zarqawi and Bin Laden in charge of Iraq and its people?"

He's... right. I find it very plausible that Bin Laden is trying to build his own fucked up Muslim empire. How could Bush's advisors be smart enough to understand that yet so stupid as to fail to see that an unpopular war fought in a volatile region in a completely half-assed manner can only play into their hands.

Idiots!!!

Oh, and guess what? Iran Iran Iran. Boo!

It's 75'F right now, and it feels like 75'F. I've opened some windows and turned off the A/C. For the first time in a long time, day or night, it's cooler outside than it is inside. I'm on the patio, enjoying the breeze. This is wonderful. Maybe it'll shift and we'll get another week or two of hell, but I don't think so. Even if we do, I'm thankful for today. October has arrived, and I'm getting my first taste of my favorite season. I declare today to be the first day of Autumn.